Gouda's Cheesewheel

Angry time Part I

About an hour ago I got really frustrated with my life...more specifically, with the impending events of my life. And the choices I have to make. And the fact that they can't be easier. Ug.

I got frustrated with my "wedding," if you can call it that, and the fact that no matter what I do, someone is going to try to talk me out of it, or worse, simply remind me that "it's my day and I can do what I want," which I've determined is the most effortlessly supportive thing to say. I mean, yes, I CAN do what I want. I am physically capable of dumping the punch bowl onto my in-laws and mooning the best man, if that is what I choose to do. But is the point of my wedding to piss people off? Not really, unless they've somehow all managed to do something to deserve it, which so far, they haven't. So whatever I do at my wedding, I must be prepared to back up. And this stresses me out.

I'd love to be able to say "I wanted it this way, isn't it lovely/meaningful/unique?" but when it comes down to it, I don't know what on Earth I want. I didn't want to get married for the longest time, and the fact that I am sometimes feels like I'm selling out...to compensate, my inclination is to make my wedding as "un-wedding-y" as possible, to prove that I'm not buying this institution hook, line and sinker. Yet somehow I feel like this is a great opportunity to participate in a larger institution--an opportunity we're rarely afforded nowadays in our anomic "holiday tree" filled society, where you basically build your own institutions as you see fit. As much as I support freedom of choice, can't there be some things we all agree on? Can we all agree weddings are beautiful and worthy of celebration? No, of course not. Not when there's so much complexity to each relationship...when the parents disapprove of the new spouse, the grandparents think it's disgraceful to wear black, etc etc etc.

Gah. And so you see why I became quite enraged over the whole ordeal. No matter what I decide, it all comes down to the fact that until I find a word to use other than "wedding," people are going to pigeon-hole me and my big happy get-together. They'll assume I'm paying out my ass for things like catering and photography and a monstrosity of a gown I can only wear once. They'll assume I want to look like a princess, because ALL girls want to be princesses and have their men buy them sparkly jewelry to show off what a nice paycheck will be supporting the little Mrs. AAGGHHH. And what irks me most is that because these assumptions are built into the whole mess, I have to second-guess myself when I actually consider for a moment that a particular diamond ring is kind of pretty...or a fluffy cream-colored dress might be fun to play in for a day...and then I remind myself that the desire for these things is created, not innate, and all the people telling me to say "yes" to them are either trying to make a buck or confused about what my "wedding" is going to mean--that because it is a "wedding" it necessitates a white dress and a bridal party and a processional. Why?? Why does it need these things? Why does everyone (myself included) keep suggesting that I'll regret NOT having these things?? Why does it need to look like a "wedding" to accomplish what I want it to?

Honestly, I haven't entirely decided what I want it to accomplish, which is at least half my problem.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. And with every choice I make, they become simpler, and yet I feel more and more trapped into that little "bride" box...makes me want to exert another 20 minutes on the elliptical machine to the tune of angry Deftones music. Which didn't help a whole lot aside from taking the edge off a tad, by the way.

posted by Greta @ 12:31 AM