Gouda's Cheesewheel

Wedding weekend approaches methodically, to the tune of "Here comes the Bride"

Jenn and Adam will get married on Sunday, incha'allah. And not only God, but weather and mental stability willing as well, I suppose. But enough of that tangent. I mainly started writing to vent some feelings on the matter.

First and foremost, I have no problem with Jenn and Adam as a couple. I think they're quite well-suited for one another, and they seem to have a strong friendship first, and a romance second, which is definitely a good way to build a relationship in my opinion. They've also made it through a year lease together and a fairly long engagement (at least average-sized these days) to boot. So I would hope they've had time to evaluate what they're getting into. In short, I have no issue with Jenn and Adam wanting to get married, although I admit I used to be tentative about the quickness with which they became engaged.

My issue is that they have seemed to take the whole wedding package as a given, and haven't seemed to question the validity of doing things the way they've always been done. Take as one example Jenn's wedding dress, which is, for all intents and purposes, the typical poofy, long satin number with lots of beading. It's gorgeous yes, and flattering too (which is more than I can say for a lot of wedding dresses I've seen on people) but it's quite clearly a bridal gown, special ordered from a not-too-expensive-but-not-shotty label, through a typical bridal boutique. It is, of course, quite clearly what she decided she wanted. I have no reason to think she was suckered into it or pressured to wear something she didn't feel was appropriate for her. So in that respect, I'm happy she got what she wanted.

What I can't figure out is why this is what brides so often seem to want. From the get-go, even before she found this gown, all the dresses she tried on were similar poofy ballgowns, in similar fabrics, with variations of similar beading. It's what she wanted, but I can't figure out exactly why. Is it "what she always pictured," as the cliche goes? I've never entirely understood the wedding day "vision" girls always talk about, because any such visions I experience are highly subjective, based on my recent discoveries in fashion and changes in taste, not to mention the man I imagine marrying, which in my opinion would have a huge influence on the style of the wedding and consequently the dress. Is it what she knew would look good on her? If this is the case, I commend her for understanding that factor, as it probably saved her the trouble of trying on a lot of ugly dresses, but I still wonder how she decided what looked good if she didn't try on any other kinds of dresses to begin with.

Whatever the case, the dress is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. There's the reception, which includes a father-daughter/mother-son dance (possibly as a hint from Kristin's wedding, since Adam's mom didn't know that a mother-son dance was even an option), the bouquet toss, the cake cutting, and so forth. Granted, there hasn't been any clear reason NOT to do these things, since it fills time and gives people something to watch, but as far as I can tell they're mostly just in there because everyone expects them to be. And today I got a preview of the ceremony when we ran the rehearsal, and it's pretty standard as well, although I seem to recall the soon-to-be-weds invested in a vow-writing book a while ago, so I had expected at least something original.

I'm fully aware that many of the "traditional," no-brainer elements quite probably ended up in there because it's the path of least resistance. In most conversations regarding wedding planning, the general consensus from Jenn lately is "I don't really want to think about it." A great coping mechanism for the busy and burned-out bride is a ready-made ceremony or reception. So it's not like I blame people in Jenn or Adam's position for choosing to just go with typical choices, especially when it gets to the last-minute details (assuming the traditional option isn't also more expensive). In a situation where you "don't want to think about" things, it's also easier to avoid stepping on toes, not to mention sparing yourself a lot of justification, if you go with the option everyone in the world seems to agree on. So for that reason too, I can't pass any judgment.

Frankly, I'm not upset about anything Jenn and Adam are doing, save maybe the few occasions I know one of them has snapped at a friend (and what engaged individual doesn't once in a while? It's a stressful process). I'm mainly just concerned that all the "blah" decisions reflect an inability (or outright refusal) to deal with the reality of their commitment. If you don't have a ceremony that truly speaks to you, how are you supposed to take your vows seriously? If you treat your wedding as a show to please other people, what will you do behind closed doors, away from the public eye? I truly believe Jenn and Adam want to get married, but is the wedding just a distraction from what is really taking place when they sign the license?

On the other hand, a "traditional" ceremony is essential for some people to take their commitment seriously, because it demonstrates a connection to something bigger than the relationship itself. When people repeat vows that millions of others have said before, they draw on the validity of every one of those unions, and the steadfastness and time-tested value of those words, which is quite powerful...or so people seem to think. I'm not sure I could say the standard wedding vows with sincerity, knowing how many couples have probably said those very vows and then chickened out of the relationship when "sickness" or "poorness" became an issue (I can think of at least one relationship that ended that way, although I don't have any idea what vows started the marriage). I suppose if you invest yourself fully in the words and mean them, they are quite effective, but if you're repeating them out of obligation and not sincerity, what is the point? By that logic, does the "giving away" of the bride or the father-daughter dance really help with the separation process, or has a daughter already made transition by the time she has shared an apartment with her husband-to-be, in which case the dance is merely a wink at a bygone era to please the masses?

I don't suppose I'll shed much light on these issues by babbling about it here, but this certainly isn't the time to bring it up to the bride and groom. Whatever anxiety I'm feeling is sure to be amplified immensely for them, which is exactly why a person in my position (namely, Maid of Honor) is supposed to be REASSURING the bride-to-be that everything will be fine, that the wedding is perfect, and that she's making a good move. I suppose that's why I felt the need to vent it here; heaven forbid I actually have an honest conversation with one of my best friends.

Fucking weddings.

At least it'll all be done in a few days. Then I can stop obsessing over tulle and reception venues and go back to being a cynic, like this person. Make me want to get married? How dare you! ;-P

On the lighter side, at least some people know now to have fun with convention. If you're going traditional, point out the silliness, for goodness sake!

posted by Greta @ 12:09 AM